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from you.

From all the pain that I am suffering from.

Am I too selfish?

I’ve cared for others more than I do myself.

I’ve put others ahead of myself and have forgotten my place in this life.

Am I living my life for others?

I’ve had enough of your ‘I can’ts’

I’ve had enough of your denials.

I am just sick and tired of this and I honestly wished I hadn’t known you if I am going to be hurt in this manner.

If only you see love the way I do, we won’t have to go through this.

Let me run far away from you.

Yes, I am running away from the problem. Yes I am avoiding it. There is only so much heartbreak I can take.

Perhaps one of the happiest moments of her life to marry the man of her dreams. Zaila and I were there to be bridesmaids. It was interesting, considering that bridesmaids these days don’t really have much to do! HAHA!

I wonder when’s my turn…

I was in mom’s room minutes ago, icing her knee and her finger. I didn’t see exactly what happened but she fell. Her leg got caught on something and she fell. I did not panic. Instead, I had hugged her and rubbed her shoulders and arm and asked her where does it hurt. She pointed out that her knee is hurting. So I told her to sit still and don’t move just yet since she was shocked from what just happened.

I carried mom up and moved her slowly to her bedroom. Checked her knee and noticed a bruise forming. Grabbed some ice, a rag and put it on her knee for half an hour. I did all of it with a straight face but only god knows how I panicked deep inside and I was on the verge of tears.

I want to talk to someone about it. But it’s late and honestly, why do I wanna bother people with how I panicked?

I have been preparing for his departure since the day I knew him. I know that I have to be ready for it. It’s probably my fault that I got close to him but I don’t regret this. It would be more of a mistake to not even know him. I’ve had so much fun with him.

Lately, I just let him annoy me to no end. Sometimes not even concocting a retort in my head. Just let him do what he wants to do. All because I know that I will miss it. I just want to have everything as a memory. I know it’s not like as if he is leaving this world. I had promised him that we will still hang out and stuff like that. But things will definitely be different. I guess there’d be no more train rides home with him. Definitely no Monday lunches. There be no one annoying me anymore. No random hugs in the lifts….

I’m just gonna miss him.

He is not leaving yet…and today when we talked about it in the train, I nearly cried. I told him, if you ever have to say goodbye to me, don’t do it infront of everyone. I controlled my tears with difficulty and really didn’t want to talk about it as there’s nothing to talk about exactly. It’s just something I feel. Throughout the rest of the journey, all I did was control my tears.

By the time I reach home, that put an end to the control.

People have come and go in my life. Most of the times, I only cry when the person passes on. In fact, I only remember crying when I left Haian at Damascus Airport in June 2008 and the time my parents left for Haj in December 2007. Mom said, I’m a hard-hearted person. I probably am…until he came along.

But why? What makes him think that I’m not? I wandered around in the airport today during lunch. Ran some errands and I was in my own bubble of thoughts. And there, I was brooding while I walked aimlessly in Terminal 2. Unfortunately, I’m not out of it. When I start to be upset about something, it is hard for me to get out of it. The only way for me to get out of it, is a hug. However, not everyone in my life knows me well enough to even do that. I find myself wanting to cry and not stop.
Somehow I know my heart is hurting in a way but it heals when he is next to me. Makes me feel better and he doesn’t even have to say anything. I got so used to snuggling up next to him and sometimes go home with his scent on me. I think depression is hitting hard on me. When will I ever be happy?

Most of the time, it doesn’t. But I’m too curious that I actually refuse to let it go until I know it. No doubt it gets to the better of me.

It’s okay….

I always believe there’s a reason why things happen. I’ll probably know some day.

are only for the soul. So basically, it’s for the afterlife. This is what Yana said to me yesterday when she visited me at the office.
My reply to her…apparently, had a lot to do with my religion. When you are dead, it is differentiated by who goes to hell and who goes to heaven. But even before that, you will not remember who is who anymore. How can you say that soul mates are for the afterlife? It is different if you actually do get married, go to heaven and you choose your soul mate for company than the company of angels.
Maybe it is true. Soul mates are never meant to be together. They are just there to be close to you. I was reading an old post of mine. I had said I do not believe in first impressions, soul mates or love at first sight. I believe in working on a relationship. I guess, once upon in time, I was an absolute realist. I had believed in waiting for the right person to come along. Now I just believe in getting what you can…If it’s there, it’s there, if it’s not then NEXT!

only makes whatever emotions one feel, REAL.

And when it is real, how do you go back to the time it was just an illusion of emotions?

Unfortunately, we talked about it. I can’t help thinking that it is a big mistake. Somewhere between helping him buy his cologne and watching Iron Man 2 with him and his colleagues had triggered this rush of emotions.

As I said before, the reason we cannot even try to be together was because of religion. It’s just unfortunate. He is really one of a kind and I don’t think there’s any like him out there. And if I hear a person tell me, the sea is huge with many fishes in it, I’ll be sure to tell that person, well I’ve dipped/drowned myself in the fucking sea and unfortunately to my detriment, I can’t find the one I’ve been looking for.

Through all my love experiences, there’s many derivatives when it comes to soul mates. I always say, hey I think I found my soul mate. This time, I dare not say it. However, there are times I wonder, why are we so alike? I always reminisce whatever funny incidents that I had gone through in one way or another with or without my mates and family. Whatever funny incidents he and I had, kept me smiling the entire journey home. Sometimes I can’t even fall asleep on the journey back home just because it has a playback mode in my memory. For someone to have so much impact on my life in such a short time, I’d say strange but it really isn’t. I know that I’m not the only one who is feeling this way coz I know he feels the same way too. But men and their perspectives, decisions, ultimatums, will never come to change their minds to feel what should be felt in it’s simplest manner. Well, some do change their minds but it only happens when it’s far too late.

He tells me to deal with it while he is still here in Singapore. I’m not sure if I can. But optimistic me does not want to give him up even if I am shot down, stabbed or killed in the process. A part of me does not care about anything else but to have his love is all that matters. So what if I get hurt? At least I know I never deny my heart anything.

I’m not exactly in love with him…or maybe I am.

I have been questioning this for a long time now. I always wondered why I am exposed to people who are going for civil marriages. Mainly these are the people who fall out of the religion because the woman is a muslim and the man isn’t and he doesn’t convert.

I sat down and began to think. Do I really want this? I want him. In life, I’m sure we can be happy together. But in death? There were many things that I had to think of. I can’t believe I am even considering this. Considering that I never considered all these points when I was with David. That’s too much of the word ‘consider’ in a friggin’ sentence. What are the repercussions if we go ahead with all this? My parents would disown me. And the bigger question is am I supposed to leave all my beliefs for just one second if my husband dies? So that I can give him a proper death procession as a wife?

What of our children? How do we raise them? What about my parents? What about his parents? What about everyone around us? EVERYTHING is affected.
I’m not exactly a pious person but after studying the many religions that this world has to offer, a muslim is still who I want to be. For several reasons where, if you aren’t a muslim, it will be hard for you to comprehend. So, that’s my choice.
The things that attracts me most are the very things that scares the hell out of me…
And how I felt towards him, scares the hell out of me. I wasn’t supposed to fall. I never expect to fall. I was having fun with what our friendship had to offer. It was comfortable, it was warm, there were no pretensions. Most of all, it was easy. Never say never…coz this is the end result.

He left me last year and he did it again this year. I can’t remember when…not anymore.

A sucker for punishment, I went to have a peek at his Facebook today. I was curious to see if he is still with her.  I wish I hadn’t done that.

I’m getting too old for this. The single life is fun, if you are not taking anything seriously. But what if you really want to be taken seriously?

Maybe I am destined to not have a partner.

It was the most awesome night ever.

It all started from Rajesh. If it weren’t for him I wouldn’t know of Lamb of God or go to the concert. Unfortunately or fortunately, he unleashed the metal side of me that remained dormant for donkey years. From Lamb of God, leads to Eluveitie, Arch Enemy, back to my Cradle of Filth days and to Rudra and other bands.

So on 15 April, I took one and a half day leave. Half day on Thursday and Friday, the whole day. I was uber excited as I’ve not been to a concert in a year. The last one was Coldplay and I went there alone. This time I have someone with me to enjoy whatever the band has to offer. I was of course, not ready for what I’m about to experience. That night, he was my hero. The one who protected me, or at least tried to do so. I sort of enjoy the whole damsel-not-so-in-distress thing. He kept on asking like every 10-15 minutes, “Babe are you okay?” And all I could answer was, ‘I’m fine’. 10 times he ask, 10 times I answer the same thing. Legs flying above us, smelly hair, sweat (ugh!), moshing around…just nuts but good nonetheless.

We went home drenched in sweat. I smelt of him and unfortunately it wasn’t due to sex. Haha!

Some concerts are just so friggin worth it…

You guessed it. I’m still awake. It’s past 1am and I’m still wide awake.

Sorted out my mirror site, in any case this one fails…

I’ve been thinking alot and I have sort of decided on a lot of things…

1. Start digital imaging – create and morph (left this a long time ago)
2. Work on that photography portfolio (had only done it halfway)
3. Create own templates and images for blogsite….(i swear i miss doing this and if i were to start again, it’s going to be very ‘metal’ music genre-ish)
4. Upload and sort out pictures in flickr. Delete all pictures of ex-boyfriend in flickr. Set proper viewing rights too.
5. Edit all pictures of Airshow 2010. (too many and I have to learn to let go and delete those unworkable pictures…)
6. Start participating in Photo Friday again…
7. Blog about whatever that had happened the last few months…

Well, there’s more but I guess this is what I can come up with for now.

It’s ridiculous how wide awake I am. I should try to sleep…………….

The last I had the worst case of PMS and cramps was back in 2008. Or maybe earlier than that. Suffice to say, it had been a long time since I had it.

Before I go on, thank god this blog is fixed coz I seriously needed an outlet especially when I don’t want to keep on whining to my friends…even if they allow it.

I had gone to the toilet more than 8 times today. I have the worst case of cramps in which, no matter how many painkillers I take, it seem to not work. I just took 2 just now right after dinner, I’m still having cramps and I am hyperventilating and my heart is beating real fast. I knew I should not take meds. I knew I should’ve gone hollistic. I knew meds would screw my entire body system. My energy level is at a new low, my back aches, I feel like crying and I am woozy to a point where I nearly collapse in the toilet at work today. I lost alot of blood which caused me to look like a corpse draining whatever colour I have left…like as if I am not pale enough already.

That being said, I’m glad I have friends who care. Which by the way, makes me want to cry again because of how they care. I love yas. Really do.

Well, I will try to sleep. I am supposed to sleep…seriously I shouldn’t have taken those painkillers…coz I’m still in pain and I can’t seem to get any shuteye.

p.s: yes i’m back after a 3-month hiatus.

Dear Syida, Well, here we are at the sunny Seaside Hotel in the kitchen. The weather is funny and the temperature is one degrees. Our hotel room looks out onto a garden filled with pasta trees and tropical presents. The natives are all crazy and spent their time milking and riding their oranges through the streets. Most of them only speak malay, but I can communicate by making signs with my fanny. The local food is really rainy. Mostly they eat scared burritos and refried noodles. Our hotel only costs a hundred blah a day. We are going to spend the week hitch-hiking and then come home. Wish you were here.

I was doing that when I was in the loo. Can’t stop laughing after that. HEHEHE!

Since Thursday night, he has made it known to me. He wants to give us another try. Things like this only happens in the movies where the ex comes back, realizing that you are the one and wants to be with you and all. But this is real life (which usually ends up in rejection) and it is happening. Naturally, I am taken aback and in spite of the fact that I have never stopped loving him since the day we parted, I am afraid. I am terrified of history repeating itself.

Even with his assurance, part of me just wants his divorce to be fully settled and then I move on from there. However, another part of me just wants him so bad and not care about waiting for the settlement. I am just afraid that I take too long to decide and then lose him to someone else. I mean, he is like the sand I grasp in my hand, only a matter of time the sand slips through my fingers. I make no secret about my feelings and fears towards him and him the same.

I know that a lot of people would fear for my heart to be broken again once more as it has happened one too many times. But part of me wants and is curious to know if this could work. And I really appreciate the concern and all. As usual, I am stubborn. It is not that I won’t listen to reason. I would but I just need to know. I don’t want to spend the rest of my life wondering on all the ‘what ifs’. Who are we to know what’s best for us? Only Allah knows.

I have not really decided on going back to him but I certainly am leaning towards him. Someone ever asked me, how do you know that he is the one for you? I said I don’t know but it probably is when I begin to see beyond everything and would do anything just to be with him.

I love him but…..sigh

And i’m still very upset about it. My phone was nicely tucked in a corner on my desk, charging. I don’t know how and why, next thing I know my cat climbed on my bed and then when he was getting down, my phone was thrown with the charger wire attached to it. The charger firewire bit was dented. It is beyond repair. The moment I took the charger out, that’s it, it cannot go back in.

I got so mad that I smacked it’s head. I know it’s bad. I know it’s wrong. But I’m just so angry. I think I even cried in my sleep.

Purchased a new iPhone this morning. And I’m still not happy.

Sigh.

Tried sending a text using Dad’s old Nokia phone. Epic fail. Can’t sms for shits anymore. Got too used to touchscreen. Beginning to feel stupid.